Something is Working.

Ive been feeling so much better today and part of yesterday. Im not sure if its just my mood, luck, or that the medicine is working and my body is adjusting to it. Im not near as sad, nor near as angry. I dont get infuriated at random moments. I think thats the Lamictal helping me :)
My boyfriend was so happy to see me being in a good mood. He wrote me the sweetest quote last night after I was in a funky sort of mood and not happy, not mad, and not sad. I was just bothered, but this quote made me feel so much better. I didnt have near as many doubts of him ever leaving me.

"Stop it. If you don't want to be with me, if this is too much for you right now, it's okay. But you're gonna have to break up with me, because I'm not going anywhere. I can handle the mess. It's up to you."

So that was sweet. Its off of Last night episode of Greys I think.
But im trying to move out, my roommate is soo irritating. She overly controlling and turns everythign into a competition and an argument and wont stop arguing until you either leave the room or just say ok whatever your right. She invites herself everywhere with us but people dont care for her at all since she is so rude and annoying.
But.. I hope to find someone to take over my lease. its up in May of 2009. I found one friend, hes gay and my roommate ahs alot of gay friends, but im not sure if she will like him. Everyone does so i hope she does as well. And if so, then i will explain to her that i want him to take over my lease.
Well I hope it works out and I stay in this good state of mind.

They hate me

I have been so angry lately. It comes all of a sudden and i just explode. then ten or twenty minutes later im fine. I hate it. Whenever I get a burst of fury, I try to avoid people. Its hard when I live with my roommate and boyfriend. And right now my sister is staying with me for 6 days and I can only take about 2 or 3 days with her. Shes 6 years older than I am so she always has acted like she has control over me. I hate it. Especially now. I have been recently getting so angry and aggressive when another person tries to control me. I go insane. Its only been for about 2 weeks. Then when I explode on someone I piss them off and they just get mad right back which just makes it so much worse. Then they will just leave and be mad at me and not want to be around me. The only people I have in my life that never leave my side when i get angry is my mother and my boyfriend. No matter what, they are always there to help me. They dont take it personal, but maybe sometimes they have to step away if im really out of control. I dont blame them. I understand my mom sticking by my side, but my boyfriend doesnt have to. I dont understand how he could love me so much and still treat me so wonderful when I randomly blow up. But I appreciate everything him and my mother do. When Im feeling up and in a stable mood, I try my best to go way out of my way to make them happy and feel special and appreciated. Its like there are two of me and one is responsible, happy, loving, curteous, and level headed, and the other one is a crazy girl who wants to destroy everything around her, break everything, yell and argue with everyone around me, and just scream and punch myself. Then When the insane me leaves, I feel like a complete idiot for acting so ridiculous.
Im just so thankful I have my support system-mom/boyfriend. It would be nice if my sister was as understanding of me and acceoting of my drastic mood changes. She is manic bipolar and I will suck up anything to make her feel comfortable and normal. I jsut wish she would do the same for me. Earlier tonight she was trying to tell me what to do and how to act in my own apartment. She has spent the past 3 nights here and has been using my utilities and eating my food. I do not have a single dollar to my name once it hits the first of the month. I cant hold down a job, so im living off of student loans and money my dad send me to pay for rent and partial utilities. He send me money each month because he feels so guilty he cant be here to help me in person. He lives 2400 miles away and it killed him that he wasnt out here when I was r*ped. So its pity money but it allows me to live away from my sister. that works for me. plus I dont need a car or gas since I can wlak to school and dont have a job. My boyfriend has a car so if I really do need to go somewhere I can drive that.
But I jsut wish I could hold down a job so I could feel a little more productive. Ive tried so many times, I fail each time though.
I really want these insane mood changes to go away. I cant handle it and its ruining my life and driving everyone away from me.
I just wish I knew what to do to fix me.

Not thinking things through

My roommate went out of town for this past weekend so my sister stayed with my boyfriend and I at my apt. Friday and sat night I took her out with us so she could meet my friends and hopefully meet a guy. I was trying my best to hook her up with a few goodlooking, tall, semi-intelligent guys. She was interested in one that i showed her online, but he didnt show up. Then I introduced her to a guy I have been infatuated with for over a year. He recently broke up with his girlfriend so when I was single.. he was not. Now that he is single, I am not. So they met and I invited him over to my place. My sister just wanted to sleep with someone decent and I told him that and he was fine with it. So my boyfriend and I stay the night over at his apt which is right next door (we share a wall).
It ended up my sister slept with the guy that night. I was partially glad because shes been wanting to have a one nighter for a long time. But on the other hand, I was so disgusted and jealous. Earlier that night the guy had told me how he would have dated me if he had known I was interested in him. I couldnt believe it. I was mad at myself for not initiating anything in the past year. Or at least becoming better friends with him.
I feel awful for being jealous since I have an amazing boyfriend. But its so difficult to imagine him having sex with my sister after I had fantasized about it for quite some time.
Ugh, this was two nights ago and im still bothered.
They text eachother and she wants to meet up with him again. Im happy for her and I suppose its best if she spends time with him again so that I will end whatever infatuation I have towards him.
This is annoying.

I amaze myself.

Sometimes I do the most stupid things. Ive been recieving text messages from someone who was posing to be my exboyfriend.. the one I was dating at the time I was r*ped. But all along I believed it was him. I used to have a grudge against him since he drove off and left me at a bathroom,(The location of my assault) but having time to think about everything, I do not regret the assault, since I have become such a stronger and wiser person. So without any hatred or hard feeling I replied to the text messages. I added him on myspace and when he found out it was me he flipped out and deleted me as a friend. I thought maybe we could chat every now and then jsut so he could see how happy I am in my life now. And I thought thats what his intentions were since I believed he had been communicating with me.
I am shocked to find out it wasnt him.
The person who I was talking to knew so much about me and even a couple personal facts. I have no idea who it is. I dont like people messing with my head and fooling me. They knew so much about me I had no reason to doubt the identity.
Well now I completely ruined all chances of ever being on a friendly basis with my ex.
And im glad. I needed that.
Lately I have been missing him so much its horrible.
I have a current boyfriend of 5 months and he is wonderful. I couldnt ask for anything else in a person. He loves me more than life itself and treats me like a princess. He doesnt have much money but he always tries his best to buy me little things.
So why in the world was I missing my ex?! It was so annoying. Especially when I was on Zoloft, I had no emotion for anything in my life, except for the ex. It was all i thought about. And he was an awful boyfriend. Selfish and condesending. He would always hurt me physically.. not out of anger just playing but he never would stop when I asked him to.. And he always put his self first. Sure there were alot of goodtimes, we had so much fun together. All I wanted to do was to make him happy. I would try to tell myself that he would mature some, he will change. Well guys in their 20's are not going to change. I was in denial. Im just thankful I found my perfect match now. All I need is to get the ex and my past out of my head.
But I think the short communication will help me out alot.
Lets hope so.

A few days into it..

Im several days into my Wellbutrin and Klinopin.. I havent lost all my emotion such as with Zoloft but I think I need a higher dosage. Im not as sad but enough to make me too unmotivated with my life. Bad. I need all the motivation I can get. Especially with school. And it doesnt seem to be helping with my anxiety. Sure my anxiety is through the roof, but the doc was hoping Wellbutrin would help oh well. Klinopin in my anti anxiety and its barely effecting me. Last night I was able to sleep for 3 hours. And I only got those three hours in because I was absolutley wasted. But I didnt have any flashbacks so thats great!
For the past few hours I have just been online and sitting in bed, with the occassional bathroom trip. My head is spinning and my klinopin sucks and is not taking it away. Urgh. I feel like im goign to go insane.. if im not already there yet.
I would take a Xanax but last week I made that mistake and all day at school I was high as a kite. bad choice. But at least my head was clear ;)
I think I may go put some makeup on. It usually lifts my mood a bit.. not feeling so gross and like a bum. At least with makeup I can pretend im feeling normal.

I hate this!

I have been so sad all day today. I just started Wellbutrin two days ago, along with Klinopin. No I cant sleep and its nearly 5am. I am so angry my boyfriend doesnt even want to be around me. He may pretend he cares but who the hell would care about some crazy chick on a screaming rampage?! I dont even know why im mad. I almost broke my laptop because I just got furious and started punching it and then I just slammed it shut, threw it down and went off to hit something else that didnt cost near as much. Then my boyfriend asks me if I want to throw ice. I used to like doing that but I cant ever seem to throw it as hard as I want to and it makes me so angry. I cant get all of my anger out just by throwing tiny peices of frozen water. I want to smash glass plates, or a television, or a vase. Then he aske dif I wanted him to hold a pillow and have me punch him. i used to like doing that as well but before i wasnt nearly this infuriated. I dont know what to do. I cant destroy my entire apartment like I would absolutely love to do, but just sitting down drives my completely crazy inside. Im sick of this anger. It completely takes over my body and I treat my possessions and loved ones awful and I hate it. I dont want to do that.
I tried to tell my doctor about my agression, but she wont put me on anything because she doesnt understand how severe it is. When I go into my appointments I seem fine. Sad, nervous, and scared.. but fine. I dont seem like the type that would lash out at any given moment. Reason or no reason. I dont come accross to her as one that would love nothing more than to throw everything off of her counter, throw the chairs against the wall, tear the cushion off the bed, break each of her glass containers, pull the cabinet doors of the hinges and just slam them against the wall until I run out of energy. Then just fall on the floor and scream and cry and slam my fists against the floor and pass out for 3 months.
But since she doesnt know anything thats running through my mind or that I do when no one is home, she refuses to put me on anything. She just says oh, well your new antidepressant should take care of it. Well it wont. Just like the past four antidepressants I have been on, it will not work for my anger. Or my fear of going out in public. But this stupid broad is convinced that each new one I go on will fix me. Im sick of it. I want to see a psychiatrist in hopes that maybe they will be able to better help me with medication. Instead of prescribing me the SAME medication twice within a two month period.. Good thing I noticed when I got home that I was already on that medicine that she had put me on again that day. On top of that she had me on two anti anxieties.. Klonopin(.5MG per day) and Xanax(2-3MG per day). I started that combination and only did it one day. For that one day I was as high as a kite. I dont function too well when I am entertained by every little detail in the classroom or hallways around me. I am tired of going through this circus act of medication.
College students shouldnt be struggling this hard. But, i still have yet to realize that being ''R'ed'' and having ptsd, depression and anxiety attacks will make it a bit struggling. Never realized what victims/survivors went thorugh after an attack.
Well I suppose me learning everything first hand now will put me a step up when I graduate and am able to work as a psychologist.

I tried some new meds..

So I was on Lexapro for my anti-depressant and after several months I was becoming extremely sad and felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole of sadness. I wouldn't want to do anything until about 5pm and I was missing too much class and even exams. I was getting behind in my life. I went to my doctor to hopefully try something else out. To hopefully help with my intense aggression, along with depression my doc put me on Zoloft. Its been two weeks now and I have felt the difference for a week. I am not excessively upset constantly as I was before, im not scared to go out in public or walk to campus, sit in my classes, or just be awake. Before I would have driven myself crazy with being so wacked out and nervous. But now I'm not near as sad nor nervous. Instead, I am blank. Its as though I dont have any emotion to anything in my life. I dont get upset, but I dont get happy either. When my boyfriend comes home I dont get happy like I did a week ago and I dont get excited about things. Im just here. I'll do about anything. I'll wake up early, and stay at school all day. Ill get bored and tired but I dont get upset or have an urge to do something about it. I can read questions in class now, which is nice. A week ago I would not have been able to read a question, retain it, or even get all the way through the sentence.

I am glad to know that there is a possibility of me breaking through the dark room of depression, but the way I feel now is weird and estranged. Im going back tomorrow to the doctor to try to switch to Welbutrin or Effexor along with Lamictal for my aggression.

Wish me luck! Maybe since ive been brought out of my black hole i'll write on here more often ;)

I think im feeling different

Earlier today, prior to receiving the email of rejection, I was sad. I am always sad, but today it was different. All the times before, I was sad but couldnt do anything about it. The sadness would encompass my entire being and leave me paralyzed with confusion. But today was much different.. I was so sad, it was a type of sad as if my cat had just died. I was able to cry for about 20 minutes. It has been at least 6 months since i have been able to cry for that long. I rarely let myself cry, and if i do it barely lasts 40 seconds.

I changed my anti-depressant about a week ago so maybe its affecting my body differently. Im not sure. Just another Q for the Doc.
It was just so strange to feel such a difference with sadness. It didnt leave but it changed somehow.
I just wish my aggression would go away before I break something in my room.
I would resort to bedroom after using these tree branches out front as baseball bats.
I may actually go do that..

I am not giving up..

Thank goodness I got that part-time job yesterday. Part-time is better than no-time. I received an email today informing me I was not hired for a job I had completely had my hopes up for. This is about the 6th job I have not been hired for in the last 4 months. What is wrong? What am I not doing? I am a certified nurse aide with two years experience. Along with plenty of work experience in customer service. It sure makes me feel worthless when the only employer who will hire me is a clothing store. At least my boyfriend will be with me. But that doesn't make up for not working where I truly wanted to. I am still going to keep looking for a decent job. Wish me luck :)

Finally.

I have been trying so hard to get hired at a mental hospital. My first interview went great and the lady loved me and my work experience and knowledge. She asked what made me be so interested in pursuing my psychology degree, so I laid the facts out just as they were. I explained to her how I had been 'R' and from dealing with all of my health issues following the assault physically and emotionally I discovered how interesting the mind is. I love how it works, it is seemingly endless. She was shocked and asked me if I had healed enough to work with others that went through same or similar situations. I lied and said yes. My assault happened 13 months ago but I told her it had been a couple years. She said that since I had personal experiences with the matter, I would be a great employee and better help the patients. Good Right? Well I keep trying to call her but its voicemail each time.

Today my boyfriend and I were out doing errands and I stopped by a retail store at which I previously worked. I walked in and was greeted with friendly smiles asking where I had been. 10 minutes later, The manager hired me back, along with my boyfriend. I didnt want to work in such a crazy public place but the Manager ensured us we would be given the same hours. So I am glad. Its a two third pay cut from my previous jobs but at least its a job. I guess im lucky I even got a job in this economy.

We start Sunday so im glad ill be working with my best friend and around people I already know and feel comfortable with.

New Meds

So.. I have been on several anti depressants and for the past few months Lexapro was working well. Lately, I have been noticing I have a couple up days where I can function well and be productive. Then I take a turn down hill for a few days and when i'm down, I feel worthless and no matter how hard I try I cannot make it to class, study, clean, anything.

A couple days ago I went to my dr and told her I wanted a new anti depressant.

She moved me from Lexapro to Zoloft. I went online and read up about Zoloft and im excited.

It is said to help depression, angression, PTSD, panic attacks, and social anxiety attacks.

Im going back in two weeks for a check up to see if I like it.

I hope it works!!!!!

My 1mg Xanax seems to not be working near as well as it used to. Perhaps I am building some sort of tolerance to it? I have been taking (2 or 3) .5mg of Ativan and I notice it working.

I think I am going to ask my dr about that as well.

Hmm.. Meds are such a jigsaw puzzle.

Furious

Its sure been awhile since I posted last. I wanted to on several occasions but didnt feel like opening my computer. Thats how it has been lately. I know what I need to do: I need to wake up early, go to school, comprehend what my professors are lecturing, come home, clean my apt, and study.

Doesn't sound too difficult does it?

If I could only accomplish the waking up task I think I would have a head start. But In the morning right when I wake up, I am at the saddest point. I will wake up crying, scared, and nervous. Whether I had a flashback nightmare or not, I feel so worthless and tired. For example, today: I missed my German class because I slept until 4:55PM.

I went to sleep at 5:30AM. My Circadian Rhythm must curse me. During the days I am alright, I am sad and tired if its a good day. I will wash my dishes and eat if I have an appetite. I am always feeling so upset and depressed the only thing I want to do is go online and look at trucks for sale ( i love trucks) or watch T.V. This is because neither one is stressful. But if you put me in any situation with a breath of stress I will freak out. When I feel stressed or pressured I go into a sort of panic attack and its as if my head is spinning a thousand times a minute and in order to stay sane I just step away and try to forget about it. But since im going to school each time I have a test, I get so nervous and scared I have no idea what to do. It feels like my entire mind is about to shatter. It upsets me because prior to my attack I was a very good student. Timely, responsible, smart, and I had a remarkable memory. Which is completely shot now. It is so difficult to remember things. Then that also pisses me off.

Lately, this past month or so, my aggression has been amplified so much. Even with little things in my daily life infuriates me and I have sudden urges to slam my head against walls, punch walls and doors, but since I rent my place I resort to punching the floors. But want I really want to do is completely destroy everything around me. I want to pick up chairs and lamps and throw them with all my strength across the room until they smash against the adjacent wall. I want to tear the carpet up, screaming, and suffocate myself in it. Tear my desk away from the wall and take a baseball bat to my television, laptop, vases on my dresser. anything. anything around me I want to break it. I feel crazy. i feel like if I acted out my true urges then I would be a failure and people would realize I need to be hospitalized. But im sane enough to know I cant afford to re-purchase everything I shatter to tiny pieces. So, I sit down and watch tv while millions of things are running through my mind and my body is tingling with fury. I dont know what everything is that is spinning around in my mind but there is so much and it is such an uncomfortable feeling. then my boyfriend (he is amazing and helps as much as he possibly could) will ask me whats wrong and ask me how im feeling. I cant respond. I tell him I dont know. because I honestly dont know. I have no idea how im feeling. I want to get up and go run, I want to go bowling, go grocery shopping, go eat, go drink, go to the mall, but then im too tired to do any of that. I dont have enough energy to run, I dont want to go bowling or shopping. I hate going out in public. If I dont wear makeup ill feel ugly and disgusting, but if I do wear makeup people stare at me. Mostly its guys that stare at me. and I dont like that. I dont want anybody to look at me. I want to be able to choose the people who are allowed to look at me. So I just stay at home or go to a friends house. But that just makes me agitated for never going out. Its a never ending circle.

I am sick of feeling so shitty all the time.

I want just it to end.