It has been about 3 weeks since my last post. And its when I should have been posting the most. Since then, I finished finals for school, I had my christmas break, my new years eve party, and now I am starting school once again. That seems typical and like an enjoyable holidays season. Ill go in depth.After finals, I was so relieved to have passed all of my classes and then I registered for this semesters courses. I chose good classes- Personality Disorder Psych, Abnormal Psych, gender and children Literature(gen ed requirement), an easy math class (my only one thats required.. woo hoo!) and English 2. Sicne I have been having issues with my roommate, I was looking for someone to take over my lease desperately. I wanted outta there! I found a girl, seems really nice and my old roommate liked her. It was a go. I moved out and the girl moved in on the 2nd of January. I moved in with my boyfriend.. same address just different apt # lol. Christmas came and I had a nice time, I went to two christmas parties with my boyfriends family, whom I love very much but lord he has a huge family! And I get very easily overwhelmed when in a crowd so at each one we werent able to stay too long. His dad understood. His dad knows what happened to me and if very accepting. We do not discuss it but he makes certain that people around do not make crude comments on such matters. My boyfriend has a wonderful family.Then it was Christmas at my moms which was small since only my sister, my mom, stepdad, and I are the only ones living out here. The rest of my family is in California so our get-togethers are tiny but fun =) My boyfriend came over to my moms and we allhad a blast. My mom rescues dogs and she currently has 9. or 8. not sure. so each dog got more presents that anyone else did lol which doesnt matter at all, although I like gifts at christmas time, I just dont want my christmas to be revolved around who bought who what. Overrated. But anyways, so Christmas went very well, my dad mailed me 100$ to buy my boyfriend a nice gift so that surprised him which was fun. (my entire family loves him). Oh and we went and saw Benjamin Button. wonderful movie.. but me being a complete emotional case, I cried for a good 2 hours of the 3 hour movie lol I hold my emotion and sadness in until its something silly or petty, then I just start balling. It definitely catches people off guard(only do it around my family) but its funny at the same time. at least im getting it out one way or another right?So all in all, my december went well. Up until New years.Well now to New years.. Oh joy. (sarcasm.. a lot of sarcasm)to lead into it.. I moved out here 3 1/2 years ago. and since the first week I was here I have been friends with a certain guy. We will call him Bill just for the sake of typing about a number of people lol. Well Bill was a great guy, I immediately grew to have feelings for him and although the feelings were mutual, there was always something in the way of us dating. Either it was him drinking too much, his father passing away, me being with someone else, or my after Indy(my R.. it happened in indianapolis). So even though when we dated off and on, it only lasted a very short time each time. But for the first 2 years I lived here, Bill and I hung out every day, we were best friends, and we had the greatest times together. Bill never really dated anyone since Ive known him, and if so it was while I was with 'Adam'.. the guy I was with for about a year or so.. the one who drove off when I was int he restroom at Indy. It was at Bills house that I met Adam. Bill introduced us and since I took that as he didnt want to be with me, I gave up hope and started dating Adam. Later to find out he hooked Adam and I up only so he wouldnt hurt me. Which I agree, if we had dated any of those numerous times, it would not have worked out and our friendship would be destroyed.
to be continued....
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A little venting..
Its hard as hell to do anything it seems like. Everywhere I go people are constantly saying the R word, or making crude and degrading jokes about it. They are indirectly making fun of me and they dont know that I am actually the butt of their jokes. It just makes me want to go home and cry and hide in my bed. which I will admit I did for quite a while and still do occassionally. But tonight after my boyfriend got home from a basketball game, two of his friends came inside because one of them (his roommate Jimmy) had lent him some wool socks. And the other guy in his frat that I dont know very well was talkign about something to me and in one dinky ass conversation the boy said the R word twice. And instead of pretending I had to pee and wakling away, or stepping outside and punching my rail, I stayed in the conversation and actually made responses to whatever the hell he was saying.
At parties or on TV people are always joking about it and god it makes me feel like absolute shit. Then I get so enraged its not healthy for me or for whatever posessions are near me. Then I jsut start crying and punching anything I can. The floor doesnt dent or make much noise. And I feel like a fucking alien, stupid girl, or just a disfuctional mess. I told my doctor about my anger problems but when im in her office I put on an act and act as if everything is fine, but then I still try to explain how I feel. She didnt really comprehend how irate I become until I showed her some bruises and pulled my hair up so she could see that I actually do headbut anything of hard surface. Then she put me on lamictal like I had been asking for a damn month. But no, she never thought I was actually making a fool of myself and making people think im an idiot. One night, I was sick as hell of reading for a class so my boyfriend and I went over to his place where a couple friends were over. I grabbed a beer and started a game of beer pong. My boyfriend was my partner and our opponents were some people I had only met once over the past summer. It was a really close game because I was doing awful. I was stressed and had school on my mind. (bad right? lol) but they beat us in overtime and at the moment that the guy hit the last cup to win, he yelled out that he had just R'ed me. Well I flipped out. But my boyfriend pulled me out into the hall before I could say or do anything. He saw me heating up and knew to get me the hell out of there. Well once I was in the hall I started screaming, crying and cursing the boy out to myself and I pretty much body slammed the front doors which are two doors both with a damn good amount of glass- from shins to head high. I slammed myself up against the doors twice. I didnt hit the glass but the middle where the two door locked together, it was wood. well on the second hit I broke the glass on one of the doors.
Anyone in their right mind would have at least chosen the wall to body slam. but the next day the landlord called us and we had to pay 100 bucks to replace it. Shitty. Its like I completely leave my mind and just go buck wild. I hate it. Ive been trying so hard to control it lately and I see a slight improvement. kind of. on the outside. but on the inside I feel like I am an atomic bomb exploding and theres nothing I can do about it. Thank god I have my boyfriend or else I would probably not be able to live here. he holds a pillow and lets me punch him until Im out of energy. He understands that he doesnt understand. He warns me if we are going to be around someone who uses the R word without a second thought so at least im prepared. which he actually did with the guy earlier tonight. He has told all of his friends not to say or talk about the R word around him ever. and when they ask why? did it happen to you? He just says 'it doesnt matter if it did, just dont say it around me.' And he always asks how my day went and how I felt throughout the day. And he will listen for hours and continue to keep conversation going. And he doesnt make me cry by being mean or cruel, but when he knows Ive had a few consecutive bad days, he will talk to me in bed and talk about anything until I cry. Not bad things, but just how I feel or like my latest dream. and he try to let me cry as much as possible. I usually cant cry more than 90 seconds. not sure why, its like I automatically hold everyting inside. But he is always concerned about having me get some emotion out to kind of let the top of the glacier off my back. which means alot to me. Or when im really stressed or sad, he will sing to me. or do a funny dance, or he will play a game that always lightens me up if I play along- he will say a word and I say the first word that comes to mind. hell come up with word after word for 30-40 minutes until he knows im out of my funk. but him willing and wanting to talk to me about things makes me so happy. Like in the morning or during the night when I have a bad dream he asks what it was about and links people, the situation, and little happenings in it to my assault. Which yeah they are always about the event, its not a flashback per se, but its always the same situation, just different place. Which used to bedrid me until like 4pm but with Wellbutrin I am good in the morning now. and I dont have that constant need to be sleeping.
but god I just cant wait till school is over. it will be such a relief. I hate being around people. I always think they are staring at me and judging me and that they know what happened and think im an idiot. I know that doesnt make sense but its still a pain in the ass. But since Ive been on Wellbutrin.. about a month ish. Ive noticed im able to read. and im able to walk through the halls of school without being near as terrified or paranoid. I took an exam like 2 weeks ago in economics and I was able to read the questions and actually take in information. it felt so great. I loved that feeling. So I am taking care of one thing at a time I suppose. my dr is trying to get me set up with a psychiatrist. She kinda made it seem like I was too much of a mental case for her to help. I didnt like it too much but whatever. the copay is 25 dollars either doc place so as long as it doesnt cost more I told her ill go with it. Over christmas break im going to try to do that EMDR light therapy with this old therapist of mine. I just have to dig up her number.
At parties or on TV people are always joking about it and god it makes me feel like absolute shit. Then I get so enraged its not healthy for me or for whatever posessions are near me. Then I jsut start crying and punching anything I can. The floor doesnt dent or make much noise. And I feel like a fucking alien, stupid girl, or just a disfuctional mess. I told my doctor about my anger problems but when im in her office I put on an act and act as if everything is fine, but then I still try to explain how I feel. She didnt really comprehend how irate I become until I showed her some bruises and pulled my hair up so she could see that I actually do headbut anything of hard surface. Then she put me on lamictal like I had been asking for a damn month. But no, she never thought I was actually making a fool of myself and making people think im an idiot. One night, I was sick as hell of reading for a class so my boyfriend and I went over to his place where a couple friends were over. I grabbed a beer and started a game of beer pong. My boyfriend was my partner and our opponents were some people I had only met once over the past summer. It was a really close game because I was doing awful. I was stressed and had school on my mind. (bad right? lol) but they beat us in overtime and at the moment that the guy hit the last cup to win, he yelled out that he had just R'ed me. Well I flipped out. But my boyfriend pulled me out into the hall before I could say or do anything. He saw me heating up and knew to get me the hell out of there. Well once I was in the hall I started screaming, crying and cursing the boy out to myself and I pretty much body slammed the front doors which are two doors both with a damn good amount of glass- from shins to head high. I slammed myself up against the doors twice. I didnt hit the glass but the middle where the two door locked together, it was wood. well on the second hit I broke the glass on one of the doors.
Anyone in their right mind would have at least chosen the wall to body slam. but the next day the landlord called us and we had to pay 100 bucks to replace it. Shitty. Its like I completely leave my mind and just go buck wild. I hate it. Ive been trying so hard to control it lately and I see a slight improvement. kind of. on the outside. but on the inside I feel like I am an atomic bomb exploding and theres nothing I can do about it. Thank god I have my boyfriend or else I would probably not be able to live here. he holds a pillow and lets me punch him until Im out of energy. He understands that he doesnt understand. He warns me if we are going to be around someone who uses the R word without a second thought so at least im prepared. which he actually did with the guy earlier tonight. He has told all of his friends not to say or talk about the R word around him ever. and when they ask why? did it happen to you? He just says 'it doesnt matter if it did, just dont say it around me.' And he always asks how my day went and how I felt throughout the day. And he will listen for hours and continue to keep conversation going. And he doesnt make me cry by being mean or cruel, but when he knows Ive had a few consecutive bad days, he will talk to me in bed and talk about anything until I cry. Not bad things, but just how I feel or like my latest dream. and he try to let me cry as much as possible. I usually cant cry more than 90 seconds. not sure why, its like I automatically hold everyting inside. But he is always concerned about having me get some emotion out to kind of let the top of the glacier off my back. which means alot to me. Or when im really stressed or sad, he will sing to me. or do a funny dance, or he will play a game that always lightens me up if I play along- he will say a word and I say the first word that comes to mind. hell come up with word after word for 30-40 minutes until he knows im out of my funk. but him willing and wanting to talk to me about things makes me so happy. Like in the morning or during the night when I have a bad dream he asks what it was about and links people, the situation, and little happenings in it to my assault. Which yeah they are always about the event, its not a flashback per se, but its always the same situation, just different place. Which used to bedrid me until like 4pm but with Wellbutrin I am good in the morning now. and I dont have that constant need to be sleeping.
but god I just cant wait till school is over. it will be such a relief. I hate being around people. I always think they are staring at me and judging me and that they know what happened and think im an idiot. I know that doesnt make sense but its still a pain in the ass. But since Ive been on Wellbutrin.. about a month ish. Ive noticed im able to read. and im able to walk through the halls of school without being near as terrified or paranoid. I took an exam like 2 weeks ago in economics and I was able to read the questions and actually take in information. it felt so great. I loved that feeling. So I am taking care of one thing at a time I suppose. my dr is trying to get me set up with a psychiatrist. She kinda made it seem like I was too much of a mental case for her to help. I didnt like it too much but whatever. the copay is 25 dollars either doc place so as long as it doesnt cost more I told her ill go with it. Over christmas break im going to try to do that EMDR light therapy with this old therapist of mine. I just have to dig up her number.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Something is Working.
Ive been feeling so much better today and part of yesterday. Im not sure if its just my mood, luck, or that the medicine is working and my body is adjusting to it. Im not near as sad, nor near as angry. I dont get infuriated at random moments. I think thats the Lamictal helping me :)
My boyfriend was so happy to see me being in a good mood. He wrote me the sweetest quote last night after I was in a funky sort of mood and not happy, not mad, and not sad. I was just bothered, but this quote made me feel so much better. I didnt have near as many doubts of him ever leaving me.
"Stop it. If you don't want to be with me, if this is too much for you right now, it's okay. But you're gonna have to break up with me, because I'm not going anywhere. I can handle the mess. It's up to you."
So that was sweet. Its off of Last night episode of Greys I think.
But im trying to move out, my roommate is soo irritating. She overly controlling and turns everythign into a competition and an argument and wont stop arguing until you either leave the room or just say ok whatever your right. She invites herself everywhere with us but people dont care for her at all since she is so rude and annoying.
But.. I hope to find someone to take over my lease. its up in May of 2009. I found one friend, hes gay and my roommate ahs alot of gay friends, but im not sure if she will like him. Everyone does so i hope she does as well. And if so, then i will explain to her that i want him to take over my lease.
Well I hope it works out and I stay in this good state of mind.
My boyfriend was so happy to see me being in a good mood. He wrote me the sweetest quote last night after I was in a funky sort of mood and not happy, not mad, and not sad. I was just bothered, but this quote made me feel so much better. I didnt have near as many doubts of him ever leaving me.
"Stop it. If you don't want to be with me, if this is too much for you right now, it's okay. But you're gonna have to break up with me, because I'm not going anywhere. I can handle the mess. It's up to you."
So that was sweet. Its off of Last night episode of Greys I think.
But im trying to move out, my roommate is soo irritating. She overly controlling and turns everythign into a competition and an argument and wont stop arguing until you either leave the room or just say ok whatever your right. She invites herself everywhere with us but people dont care for her at all since she is so rude and annoying.
But.. I hope to find someone to take over my lease. its up in May of 2009. I found one friend, hes gay and my roommate ahs alot of gay friends, but im not sure if she will like him. Everyone does so i hope she does as well. And if so, then i will explain to her that i want him to take over my lease.
Well I hope it works out and I stay in this good state of mind.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
They hate me
I have been so angry lately. It comes all of a sudden and i just explode. then ten or twenty minutes later im fine. I hate it. Whenever I get a burst of fury, I try to avoid people. Its hard when I live with my roommate and boyfriend. And right now my sister is staying with me for 6 days and I can only take about 2 or 3 days with her. Shes 6 years older than I am so she always has acted like she has control over me. I hate it. Especially now. I have been recently getting so angry and aggressive when another person tries to control me. I go insane. Its only been for about 2 weeks. Then when I explode on someone I piss them off and they just get mad right back which just makes it so much worse. Then they will just leave and be mad at me and not want to be around me. The only people I have in my life that never leave my side when i get angry is my mother and my boyfriend. No matter what, they are always there to help me. They dont take it personal, but maybe sometimes they have to step away if im really out of control. I dont blame them. I understand my mom sticking by my side, but my boyfriend doesnt have to. I dont understand how he could love me so much and still treat me so wonderful when I randomly blow up. But I appreciate everything him and my mother do. When Im feeling up and in a stable mood, I try my best to go way out of my way to make them happy and feel special and appreciated. Its like there are two of me and one is responsible, happy, loving, curteous, and level headed, and the other one is a crazy girl who wants to destroy everything around her, break everything, yell and argue with everyone around me, and just scream and punch myself. Then When the insane me leaves, I feel like a complete idiot for acting so ridiculous.
Im just so thankful I have my support system-mom/boyfriend. It would be nice if my sister was as understanding of me and acceoting of my drastic mood changes. She is manic bipolar and I will suck up anything to make her feel comfortable and normal. I jsut wish she would do the same for me. Earlier tonight she was trying to tell me what to do and how to act in my own apartment. She has spent the past 3 nights here and has been using my utilities and eating my food. I do not have a single dollar to my name once it hits the first of the month. I cant hold down a job, so im living off of student loans and money my dad send me to pay for rent and partial utilities. He send me money each month because he feels so guilty he cant be here to help me in person. He lives 2400 miles away and it killed him that he wasnt out here when I was r*ped. So its pity money but it allows me to live away from my sister. that works for me. plus I dont need a car or gas since I can wlak to school and dont have a job. My boyfriend has a car so if I really do need to go somewhere I can drive that.
But I jsut wish I could hold down a job so I could feel a little more productive. Ive tried so many times, I fail each time though.
I really want these insane mood changes to go away. I cant handle it and its ruining my life and driving everyone away from me.
I just wish I knew what to do to fix me.
Im just so thankful I have my support system-mom/boyfriend. It would be nice if my sister was as understanding of me and acceoting of my drastic mood changes. She is manic bipolar and I will suck up anything to make her feel comfortable and normal. I jsut wish she would do the same for me. Earlier tonight she was trying to tell me what to do and how to act in my own apartment. She has spent the past 3 nights here and has been using my utilities and eating my food. I do not have a single dollar to my name once it hits the first of the month. I cant hold down a job, so im living off of student loans and money my dad send me to pay for rent and partial utilities. He send me money each month because he feels so guilty he cant be here to help me in person. He lives 2400 miles away and it killed him that he wasnt out here when I was r*ped. So its pity money but it allows me to live away from my sister. that works for me. plus I dont need a car or gas since I can wlak to school and dont have a job. My boyfriend has a car so if I really do need to go somewhere I can drive that.
But I jsut wish I could hold down a job so I could feel a little more productive. Ive tried so many times, I fail each time though.
I really want these insane mood changes to go away. I cant handle it and its ruining my life and driving everyone away from me.
I just wish I knew what to do to fix me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Not thinking things through
My roommate went out of town for this past weekend so my sister stayed with my boyfriend and I at my apt. Friday and sat night I took her out with us so she could meet my friends and hopefully meet a guy. I was trying my best to hook her up with a few goodlooking, tall, semi-intelligent guys. She was interested in one that i showed her online, but he didnt show up. Then I introduced her to a guy I have been infatuated with for over a year. He recently broke up with his girlfriend so when I was single.. he was not. Now that he is single, I am not. So they met and I invited him over to my place. My sister just wanted to sleep with someone decent and I told him that and he was fine with it. So my boyfriend and I stay the night over at his apt which is right next door (we share a wall).
It ended up my sister slept with the guy that night. I was partially glad because shes been wanting to have a one nighter for a long time. But on the other hand, I was so disgusted and jealous. Earlier that night the guy had told me how he would have dated me if he had known I was interested in him. I couldnt believe it. I was mad at myself for not initiating anything in the past year. Or at least becoming better friends with him.
I feel awful for being jealous since I have an amazing boyfriend. But its so difficult to imagine him having sex with my sister after I had fantasized about it for quite some time.
Ugh, this was two nights ago and im still bothered.
They text eachother and she wants to meet up with him again. Im happy for her and I suppose its best if she spends time with him again so that I will end whatever infatuation I have towards him.
This is annoying.
It ended up my sister slept with the guy that night. I was partially glad because shes been wanting to have a one nighter for a long time. But on the other hand, I was so disgusted and jealous. Earlier that night the guy had told me how he would have dated me if he had known I was interested in him. I couldnt believe it. I was mad at myself for not initiating anything in the past year. Or at least becoming better friends with him.
I feel awful for being jealous since I have an amazing boyfriend. But its so difficult to imagine him having sex with my sister after I had fantasized about it for quite some time.
Ugh, this was two nights ago and im still bothered.
They text eachother and she wants to meet up with him again. Im happy for her and I suppose its best if she spends time with him again so that I will end whatever infatuation I have towards him.
This is annoying.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I amaze myself.
Sometimes I do the most stupid things. Ive been recieving text messages from someone who was posing to be my exboyfriend.. the one I was dating at the time I was r*ped. But all along I believed it was him. I used to have a grudge against him since he drove off and left me at a bathroom,(The location of my assault) but having time to think about everything, I do not regret the assault, since I have become such a stronger and wiser person. So without any hatred or hard feeling I replied to the text messages. I added him on myspace and when he found out it was me he flipped out and deleted me as a friend. I thought maybe we could chat every now and then jsut so he could see how happy I am in my life now. And I thought thats what his intentions were since I believed he had been communicating with me.
I am shocked to find out it wasnt him.
The person who I was talking to knew so much about me and even a couple personal facts. I have no idea who it is. I dont like people messing with my head and fooling me. They knew so much about me I had no reason to doubt the identity.
Well now I completely ruined all chances of ever being on a friendly basis with my ex.
And im glad. I needed that.
Lately I have been missing him so much its horrible.
I have a current boyfriend of 5 months and he is wonderful. I couldnt ask for anything else in a person. He loves me more than life itself and treats me like a princess. He doesnt have much money but he always tries his best to buy me little things.
So why in the world was I missing my ex?! It was so annoying. Especially when I was on Zoloft, I had no emotion for anything in my life, except for the ex. It was all i thought about. And he was an awful boyfriend. Selfish and condesending. He would always hurt me physically.. not out of anger just playing but he never would stop when I asked him to.. And he always put his self first. Sure there were alot of goodtimes, we had so much fun together. All I wanted to do was to make him happy. I would try to tell myself that he would mature some, he will change. Well guys in their 20's are not going to change. I was in denial. Im just thankful I found my perfect match now. All I need is to get the ex and my past out of my head.
But I think the short communication will help me out alot.
Lets hope so.
I am shocked to find out it wasnt him.
The person who I was talking to knew so much about me and even a couple personal facts. I have no idea who it is. I dont like people messing with my head and fooling me. They knew so much about me I had no reason to doubt the identity.
Well now I completely ruined all chances of ever being on a friendly basis with my ex.
And im glad. I needed that.
Lately I have been missing him so much its horrible.
I have a current boyfriend of 5 months and he is wonderful. I couldnt ask for anything else in a person. He loves me more than life itself and treats me like a princess. He doesnt have much money but he always tries his best to buy me little things.
So why in the world was I missing my ex?! It was so annoying. Especially when I was on Zoloft, I had no emotion for anything in my life, except for the ex. It was all i thought about. And he was an awful boyfriend. Selfish and condesending. He would always hurt me physically.. not out of anger just playing but he never would stop when I asked him to.. And he always put his self first. Sure there were alot of goodtimes, we had so much fun together. All I wanted to do was to make him happy. I would try to tell myself that he would mature some, he will change. Well guys in their 20's are not going to change. I was in denial. Im just thankful I found my perfect match now. All I need is to get the ex and my past out of my head.
But I think the short communication will help me out alot.
Lets hope so.
A few days into it..
Im several days into my Wellbutrin and Klinopin.. I havent lost all my emotion such as with Zoloft but I think I need a higher dosage. Im not as sad but enough to make me too unmotivated with my life. Bad. I need all the motivation I can get. Especially with school. And it doesnt seem to be helping with my anxiety. Sure my anxiety is through the roof, but the doc was hoping Wellbutrin would help oh well. Klinopin in my anti anxiety and its barely effecting me. Last night I was able to sleep for 3 hours. And I only got those three hours in because I was absolutley wasted. But I didnt have any flashbacks so thats great!
For the past few hours I have just been online and sitting in bed, with the occassional bathroom trip. My head is spinning and my klinopin sucks and is not taking it away. Urgh. I feel like im goign to go insane.. if im not already there yet.
I would take a Xanax but last week I made that mistake and all day at school I was high as a kite. bad choice. But at least my head was clear ;)
I think I may go put some makeup on. It usually lifts my mood a bit.. not feeling so gross and like a bum. At least with makeup I can pretend im feeling normal.
For the past few hours I have just been online and sitting in bed, with the occassional bathroom trip. My head is spinning and my klinopin sucks and is not taking it away. Urgh. I feel like im goign to go insane.. if im not already there yet.
I would take a Xanax but last week I made that mistake and all day at school I was high as a kite. bad choice. But at least my head was clear ;)
I think I may go put some makeup on. It usually lifts my mood a bit.. not feeling so gross and like a bum. At least with makeup I can pretend im feeling normal.
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