A little venting..

Its hard as hell to do anything it seems like. Everywhere I go people are constantly saying the R word, or making crude and degrading jokes about it. They are indirectly making fun of me and they dont know that I am actually the butt of their jokes. It just makes me want to go home and cry and hide in my bed. which I will admit I did for quite a while and still do occassionally. But tonight after my boyfriend got home from a basketball game, two of his friends came inside because one of them (his roommate Jimmy) had lent him some wool socks. And the other guy in his frat that I dont know very well was talkign about something to me and in one dinky ass conversation the boy said the R word twice. And instead of pretending I had to pee and wakling away, or stepping outside and punching my rail, I stayed in the conversation and actually made responses to whatever the hell he was saying.
At parties or on TV people are always joking about it and god it makes me feel like absolute shit. Then I get so enraged its not healthy for me or for whatever posessions are near me. Then I jsut start crying and punching anything I can. The floor doesnt dent or make much noise. And I feel like a fucking alien, stupid girl, or just a disfuctional mess. I told my doctor about my anger problems but when im in her office I put on an act and act as if everything is fine, but then I still try to explain how I feel. She didnt really comprehend how irate I become until I showed her some bruises and pulled my hair up so she could see that I actually do headbut anything of hard surface. Then she put me on lamictal like I had been asking for a damn month. But no, she never thought I was actually making a fool of myself and making people think im an idiot. One night, I was sick as hell of reading for a class so my boyfriend and I went over to his place where a couple friends were over. I grabbed a beer and started a game of beer pong. My boyfriend was my partner and our opponents were some people I had only met once over the past summer. It was a really close game because I was doing awful. I was stressed and had school on my mind. (bad right? lol) but they beat us in overtime and at the moment that the guy hit the last cup to win, he yelled out that he had just R'ed me. Well I flipped out. But my boyfriend pulled me out into the hall before I could say or do anything. He saw me heating up and knew to get me the hell out of there. Well once I was in the hall I started screaming, crying and cursing the boy out to myself and I pretty much body slammed the front doors which are two doors both with a damn good amount of glass- from shins to head high. I slammed myself up against the doors twice. I didnt hit the glass but the middle where the two door locked together, it was wood. well on the second hit I broke the glass on one of the doors.
Anyone in their right mind would have at least chosen the wall to body slam. but the next day the landlord called us and we had to pay 100 bucks to replace it. Shitty. Its like I completely leave my mind and just go buck wild. I hate it. Ive been trying so hard to control it lately and I see a slight improvement. kind of. on the outside. but on the inside I feel like I am an atomic bomb exploding and theres nothing I can do about it. Thank god I have my boyfriend or else I would probably not be able to live here. he holds a pillow and lets me punch him until Im out of energy. He understands that he doesnt understand. He warns me if we are going to be around someone who uses the R word without a second thought so at least im prepared. which he actually did with the guy earlier tonight. He has told all of his friends not to say or talk about the R word around him ever. and when they ask why? did it happen to you? He just says 'it doesnt matter if it did, just dont say it around me.' And he always asks how my day went and how I felt throughout the day. And he will listen for hours and continue to keep conversation going. And he doesnt make me cry by being mean or cruel, but when he knows Ive had a few consecutive bad days, he will talk to me in bed and talk about anything until I cry. Not bad things, but just how I feel or like my latest dream. and he try to let me cry as much as possible. I usually cant cry more than 90 seconds. not sure why, its like I automatically hold everyting inside. But he is always concerned about having me get some emotion out to kind of let the top of the glacier off my back. which means alot to me. Or when im really stressed or sad, he will sing to me. or do a funny dance, or he will play a game that always lightens me up if I play along- he will say a word and I say the first word that comes to mind. hell come up with word after word for 30-40 minutes until he knows im out of my funk. but him willing and wanting to talk to me about things makes me so happy. Like in the morning or during the night when I have a bad dream he asks what it was about and links people, the situation, and little happenings in it to my assault. Which yeah they are always about the event, its not a flashback per se, but its always the same situation, just different place. Which used to bedrid me until like 4pm but with Wellbutrin I am good in the morning now. and I dont have that constant need to be sleeping.
but god I just cant wait till school is over. it will be such a relief. I hate being around people. I always think they are staring at me and judging me and that they know what happened and think im an idiot. I know that doesnt make sense but its still a pain in the ass. But since Ive been on Wellbutrin.. about a month ish. Ive noticed im able to read. and im able to walk through the halls of school without being near as terrified or paranoid. I took an exam like 2 weeks ago in economics and I was able to read the questions and actually take in information. it felt so great. I loved that feeling. So I am taking care of one thing at a time I suppose. my dr is trying to get me set up with a psychiatrist. She kinda made it seem like I was too much of a mental case for her to help. I didnt like it too much but whatever. the copay is 25 dollars either doc place so as long as it doesnt cost more I told her ill go with it. Over christmas break im going to try to do that EMDR light therapy with this old therapist of mine. I just have to dig up her number.